What Dreams may come

It sucks when someone tells you that you can’t do something no matter how hard you try. You don’t listen to them, you try and try and you may prove them wrong and succeed, but what if that isn’t the case? What if you know that no matter what you do or how hard you try, you will never be able to accomplish it. Knowing that you’ve set an unattainable goal for yourself before realising that it’s unattainable is a crushing feeling. You started off down the road with youthful enthusiasm and eventually reduce yourself to a lump of mass whose futile actions just barely help it survive. That’s what happens when your dreams are crushed. This year alone, I’ve had to let go of two dreams. One was set by me a very long time ago, and the other just sort of naturally came about but was nothing short of wonderful. I don’t really know what’s worse, a dream crushed because it almost seemed like it was destined to be crushed or a dream crushed by your own hand. You can make all the excuses you want, you can say things like “I was confused” or “this is a first for me, you can’t expect me to not make any mistakes”. Life is cruel, you can make a big mistake and it wouldn’t carry any repercussions with it, but at the same time,you can make the silliest error and ruin your entire life. Something as small as saying yes or no to and idea carries such great weight with us 20 – somethings because those decision steer our course in life. One rash or reckless decision can lead to a lifetime of dealing with those consequences or..if you’re not suited to handle things well, regret.

 

What I’m trying to say is..don’t ignore what’s right in front of you, be it a physical manifestation of an underlying problem or a mental issue that you haven’t dealt with, if you do, it’s going to come back and hellishly bite you in the ass. The decisions you make now decide your future and the type of person you will become, so chopping up the reasons for your decisions to being “young and reckless” isn’t going to cut it now. Take time, sort yourself out, realise what’s there to accomplish, and accomplish it.

Sanity is Relative

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Why do bad things have to happen? Why must a person be shat on by the universe in such a hilarious way?

I can’t understand it, I could never fathom it, in fact, the only thing that kept me going was laughter. When something happened, I laughed at it like “Oh well, of course it had to happen” and then laugh harder because I’ve correlated how past events brought me to the steaming pile of crap I’ve just stepped in.

Yeah, I’ve wondered if I haven’t actually passed through the veil of sane thinking and into the abyss of insanity yet. But what defines insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome? Is that not what we do when we wake up each morning? If that’s the case then are the sane insane and the insane sane?. I don’t know for sure, but I’ve reached the point were I’d unknowingly block all thought from my mind and walk away laughing or chuckling to myself.

You know the saying, when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade?. Life’s given me some lemons, although there was a contract I unknowingly signed, the guy selling them to me must have been the devil, I cut them open to make lemonade but they were rotten, the few good lemons I had left were stolen by the bigger, tougher guy in the next stall and the cherry on top is the dog that just took a dump on my table…then marked it’s territory on my leg. So here I stand, having sold my soul, not making any lemonade, having no more lemons, flat broke because of that, shit on my table that I had been renting because I don’t own a table and with a wet sock. Oh no. It can’t be even and I can’t have two wet socks, I have to deal with a worser fate of having just one sock that’s wet.

What I’m trying to say is, there’s no point in asking the universe why bad things have to happen. There’s no point in drawing flow diagrams and pie charts to figure out the why and the how of how f#ked you are. Bad things happen, more to some and not so much to others. No one can tell you how to deal, they can try and it may help, but no one will know your exact feelings and just how it broke you or your mind. You will always correlate one thing to the other and make an attachment to past events. If you’re sound of mind, you may be able to disregard it as quickly as it happens. If not, then you’re just going through the motion, wave after wave, laughing like I am…and that is why I pray for your sanity as much as I pray for mine.

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P.S. I’m not religious, I tried praying once and straight up asked whoever it is that exists to help me pass an exam and I’m not entirely sure if it was God, Satan or Nicholas Cage. Whoever it is owns my soul though.

I hate getting shot in the Heart.

Stifling my cries literally hurt my throat but I have no choice.
Why?
I’ve grown up believing I am worthless, nonexistent, forgotten. I just never thought that I could mean enough to someone.
Then I met someone and all that changed. I meant something
I made that person my everything.
I gave it my all, I gave everything, both good and bad
I gave things I never thought I had to give.
I gave it everything.
It’s done now, I’m being pushed away because the happiness I’ve had is suddenly being overpowered by the newfound depression. That loneliness, is something you can’t get over. “People cannot win against their loneliness.”
It hurts quite a lot when you sit next to someone that once made you feel like you meant something, now making you feel like you’re worthless again.
I never give up, I never had, that’s the kind of person I am and that’s how I carried on for so long and got to the ripe old age of 22. Lately I’ve been thinking that that is my greatest weakness, not being able to see the truth of my despair. Fighting a battle I was destined to lose. It’s like I’m in a duel against fate.
I have been given up on countless of times, I could deal before, but this time it’s different. This time it was a dream that was given up on.
I had built something with that someone and it was glorious, for a while I thought that it would be impossible for us to part because the love was so strong and so real.
Little did I know that the love was “too much” for us to fix whatever we needed to fix. Imagine hearing that from someone that just said that it’s over.
Baffling, I know. Such a thing makes me see death as the side were the grass is greener.

All in all, what I’m trying to say is that you can get hurt really bad, you can find someone you think that isn’t like the rest, that isn’t like everyone else that has brushed you aside as nothing. They exist but be weary, for the pain that hurts the most is the pain that can come from the place you least expected it. That pain, which is that love, is something I will never be able to get over or forget.

The Rantings of The Forgotten

I am tired.
I am really just tired
Insignificance is a feeling that I’ve always dreaded, someone not acknowledging me or what I am after every moment I’ve shared with them. Those shackles are still bound tightly like a noose around my neck.
I sometimes feel that I’m that guy that’s easily forgotten, that guy that’s there in the moment, you enjoy his time but just forget him the next day then when you see me again you just say “oh, that guy.” There is nothing more crushing than being in a group and knowing that you don’t belong, because the group has surgically cut you off, albeit intentionally or unintentionally.
This feeling if insignificance always left a scar on me, now more so than before. That scar is not something I could see but something I can feel each and every day. Until this day I’ve clawed and clambered my way through life, trying and trying until it got to the point I couldn’t try anymore. Yeah, you know what I mean, I reached that point.
I was lucky to make it through that, not because I wanted to but because I had to for someone that showed me something I’ve never seen in them that shook me to the core, but that still doesn’t mean that I’m okay. I just took a painkiller and redressed the bandages over those scars. For a time, I didn’t feel insignificant anymore, for a time, I was well and truly significant. For a time, I was so very nearly free. When I figured that out, life became different. I was still dealing with the same shit on a different day, but this time, I was smiling because that deep set need had been fulfilled.
I could deal.
I didn’t have to claw and clamber anymore.
I could just stumble over the obstacle, wake up, brush myself of and continue with my merry stroll, whistling a tune along the way.
Then I became insignificant again. My entire presence became insignificant. I mean, I could cure cancer (shout out to those that got the irony in this.) but I feel that it still wouldn’t be enough. Trust me when I say that I have never experienced such a crushing feeling before, sure it hurt every time it had happened, but this time..it hit the vulnerability right in the sweet spot.
So what does one do when there is none out there that acknowledge him except for when I’m physically there and have to be walked by?
What does one do when before he could just barely deal but now, cannot see the hope or the light or whatever it is you call it?
The worst part about it is being alone with yourself, the guy I spent 22 years with, I’m tired of him and his taunts, I’m tired of him wanting to take over and be the face people see everyday. It just seems so easy to regress to that and spiral into the abyss where he came from.
Nobody likes being alone, they can prefer it, but they can’t stand being alone forever. I am the one that always preferred the solitude (no one around = no one to not acknowledge me anymore than usual) but I could never stand it. I hate being alone because it cuts me each day, but I couldn’t risk reaching out because, as I have so painfully learned just recently, I am destined to become insignificant to whoever I reach out to but only because I am that person, internationally or unintentionally hurting the ones closest to me. For a long time I felt that I was being selfish for needing someone and I still do. That’s what makes the insignificance hit the sweet spot, when you become insignificant to the people you need. It’s slowly going down that road.
I figure the people that pitch up for my funeral and those that aren’t there just so they don’t look bad would correlate to the people that actually remember me, and I’m actually afraid of that number.

What I’m trying to say is, I’ve experienced being completely alone before, and I mean that alone were the person is right there next to you, but it’s almost like they aren’t there at all. There are vast reason for you to continue the futile life, I don’t know what they are, I haven’t experienced much happiness in life, I was hoping I would, it would be “A whole new woooooorld” to me (yes, you sang that in your head.) But that isn’t something you should rely on because you need to find your own reason for continuation. You can’t make a single entity your universe thinking that it’s support would be constant, because, conversely that constant could just see you as an insignificant speck in the grand scheme of things and only stay until they don’t need to anymore.

Myself Through Myself.

So, I have a whole bunch of friends, they’re good for a great time, you can go out and have fun, just be stupid and silly with them. Unfortunately in my case, all of those friends were never really close to the real me (until now). It would be better to say that they didn’t know who I am or was, they just knew the person I allowed myself to be around them. I’ve been described as funny, really cool, super chilled and an all round great guy. This is not the case, each night I’d come home and fall back into the person I really was. Perhaps it’s because I was so beat from pretending to enjoy the krump music at the club, I don’t know for sure. In terms of being real, I was never comfortable with that because to me, I always thought that I shouldn’t be a buzzkill and drop the mood like a DJ drops the bass. Little did I know that all the years I’ve been doing this, I’ve been limiting my real self, mentally putting up walls and barriers to stop me from feeling me and that neglected and tossed-aside-to-rot version of myself created one messed up persona. It took me a long time to realise this, and I didn’t realise it on my own, I’ve had help. As stubborn as I am I could no longer deny that I just needed help. If anyone else out there is like me, you’ll relate to the fact that it feels really weird when someone just cares about you because it is something you’ve never had before and therefore, you don’t really appreciate it when it’s there. This had made me cynical about life and about people in general. Always assuming someone had a hidden agenda or a twisted plot to draw me in to some form of comfort only to snatch it away or do something that made me think twice about their intentions. I’ve laid down more tar and concrete, layered more bricks and stone than your average construction worker that you see on the N2. I built myself a nice little house away from all the pain and the trauma. For any of you that can relate, let me tell you this, as you are now, you may not realise the extent of the effect this has had on you, you may think you’re fine and dandy but ohhh boy, you’re not okay, in secluding yourself you forget how to act in social situations and feel awkward in them, you forget about the good things like love and care and how easily they can be obtained. You begin to over do things, just to prove something to yourself that will tell you that you’re right and nothing is wrong. Your cynical mind has taken over and that changes you. Well in my case it created another version of me. One that reared it’s ugly head just when I got comfortable and accepted that love and care. That was the last time I laughed at me, and that was the last time I hurt me. That has led me to understand myself better, to know the me that was hurt, because that guy is an idiot, he doesn’t trust anyone nor does he think he deserved any of the good things in life. The past shaped him, but it will be me that will accept him and let him know that it’s okay. That everything that happened has happened and won’t happen again. Who better to embrace me than me hey? I’m talking about a serious Oprah Winfrey/Dr. Phil kinda embrace. With the way things are going now, I may just end up bald anyway.

What I’m trying to say is, you build up your walls to protect you from the big bad outside world, but in doing so, you’re damning yourself to fight whatever it is you need to fight, alone. You’re not just shutting out the bad, you’re shutting out all the good that is yet to come. You’re stewing in your own bad memories in that room like a curry, and you don’t want that curry to be cooked, no that is a bad curry that will give everyone that eats it a tummy ache. You don’t have to fight or deal with it on your own,the only thing you can do  on your own is  unbolt that magnificent door when that person that’s arrived to help comes knocking.

In my case, she came over in a friggin’ bobcat and didn’t take no for an answer. (C.I.W ❤︎)

Futile Fight

Recording playback :

“This path is dark and treacherous, but it’s the path I’ve grown to know over the last 21 years of my life and even though I seem to be the expert on it, it can still defeat me. There is always something new around the corner, some new form of the devil’s spawn I’ve yet to face. They seem to take a liking to me, perhaps it’s the resemblance, ha ha!. I fear this may be my last log, I fear they are beginning to make their final attack. Every day I fought but I’d lose and have my flesh consumed by those demons only to have myself regenerate to fight again. This time, there will be no regeneration, there will just be an end to me.
It’s a wonder I’ve survived this long to begin with, I can only say that I have because of the guiding light I had acquired that illuminated the path before me. I used to fight in utter darkness before that light came along. It’s warm and tender glow imparted fear into those ghastly things that would hunt me in the dark. They feared it, resented it, and in being demons, wanted to destroy it. I knew that they couldn’t touch this light and so did they, the only problem was that I was weak. After all my countless battles, all the scars I have are the chinks in my armour. They preyed upon it, speaking lies and twisting tongues to their delight, their cancerous lies being mistake as truth. Mocking me, trying to sway me. For a while I did not think it would work, I felt safe knowing that the light was there and that I could rely on it. I knew there was a chance that I’d be without it one day, so I decided to learn to fight without it, I began to practice with my eyes closed, swinging my blade as if I were severing the head of Satan himself. The only problem with that was, I was only ever teaching myself, and I never had the tools to teach. So the day came where I gave in to the demons and I betrayed my light. The light that only wanted to keep me safe, was hurt so bad that it had to leave me. And now, as I speak with the recorder handing around my neck, I am fighting. They have returned with high pitched squeals spurred on by the thought of ripping into my chest and devouring my heart.
Dammit! I just got bitten
I am fighting, and even though I have trained, I am still just as useless as I was before, the only difference now is that because of the light that was there, I know what those demons look like. They’re hideous, oh my god they are hideous. They snarl and snap at my feet while I run down this dark path. Shouting battle cries and beating their chests.
*Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! *
I’m running down the path, they’re right behind me.
Oh no! What is this!?
It’s the devil, standing right before me! He is me and I am him!
No this can’t be!
He’s beckoning me,almost as if he can save me.
He’s standing in front of me, I feel the heat of his breath on my face. There is no hope, there was never a light at the end of this dark path, it was all a lie.
I have been duped
“Ahh ohhh hahaha hahahaha”
He’s laughing at me because he knows that I’ve finally figured it out.
This is my end and there was no stopping it. He’s played me like I was a pawn in his own chess set. He’s coming closer, bearing his fangs, this is the end. He’s going to end me. Tell them I was valiant, tell them I fought bravely until the end. Goodbye everyone. I have loved you all dearly.
“Hello brother.”

………”

I just wanted socks

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So this is the story all about how my life just went from sock shopping to badass-ery. My day started on a good enough note,I woke up late,texted my girlfriend and listened to birds chirping outside my window,I mean,who even gets that nowadays!?. But, my agenda for the day would be my socks, which in the King family,came in short supply. At this point, I should add that I am not your average guy. I have a specific shop that I have designated to be “My sock shop” and no matter what they sell or what I buy,it will forever be my sock shop. To this day I’ve never really felt that much of a bad ass and as I left home,I thought that it had something to do with me lacking the classic 80s and early 90s black leather jacket and dark brown police sunglasses. The journey to the store was quaint,radio squabble here and there as my dad fiddled around to get to the right station and as we approached the store I must admit that I did feel a well of excitement rise up in me. Yes,I’m a 21 year old guy that gets excited at the prospect of brand new socks. I step into the store and I look around as if it were the Savannah and I was a lion searching for my prey. I approach the dark corner of the store that I’d like to think only I know about but alas! The rack was bare! Not a single sock was in sight and deep down,I began to break…What is this instability in my life? I thought that was cordoned off in my home life and did not spread to my store? The one thing that I always thought to be a constant in an ever so changing life had, to my dismay, been changed. So begins a journey I never thought I’d take, a journey that took quite a turn in the life of this 21 year old. After half an hour of driving we arrive at a mall compromising of countless chain stores, something I’ve been familiar with but never bothered because I never really spend money on myself. Having lost something of such great meaning had made me bleak,I lumbered around,dragging my body while my soul clammered for escape. Without realising it, I was in a fancy looking store staring down the double barrels of a hazel eyed shotgun. The woman looks at me and I stare back for a while, not understanding what is happening or why I felt uneasy. Almost as soon as she said “I think you’d look great in that”, I turn around to see my mother measuring up a jacket using my shoulders as a guide and that little boy inside me that watched films such as Mad Max,Top Gun and Terminator jumped to the surface. I grabbed the jacket,put it on and immediately went to the fitting room (proof’s in the picture guys) and felt what I thought I’ve been missing. That little feeling of “action hero punk” is as best as I can describe it. So to finish off this little piece,it may not seem as much, but for this day, I started off down the path to a new pair of sock, and ended up with a “dope as shit” leather jacket. To me,this is the day that Daniel got his bad ass badge.

DK